Lead Me Not Into Temptation
by SweetT129
Summary: Written for Sharon, who supported me in the FGB1 auction. Carlisle is a good man, though lonely, and a good doctor. He's always resisted temptation in the past, but he finds in the hospital blood so sweet he's not sure he CAN resist. How will he cope?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Stephenie Meyer created and owns all things Twilight. This story is a variation of her original work, written by me with no hope of profit beyond enjoyment. **

**A huge thank you to Kandis, without whom I may have never gotten the inspiration I needed. And to BamaBabe, the best beta and friend I could ever wish for, thanks is just not enough.**

**This story is dedicated to Sharon, who showed immense patience in waiting for mood and inspiration to finally strike me with this oneshot turned short story. I hope you enjoy it, dear.**

**Lead Me Not Into Temptation**

**Chapter 1**

The day started like most of those that I had lived through in the last few decades. The evening before, I sated myself on the blood of a wild cat and two deer, then spent the night in the woods, in a small clearing that I had come across while hunting one day, staring up at the stars and contemplating my place in the universe. Three hundred and sixty years I had been upon the earth, and three hundred and sixty years I had been alone.

Well, alone but for the company of my family. Edward was the first companion I created, and had been followed by Rosalie and Emmett. We were joined later by Alice and Jasper. We all lived together, currently in Seattle, though Edward lived with us only off and on the past half century, splitting his time between wherever we were and the home of his mate, Tanya, in Denali.

Surrounded as I was by happily mated couples, I was often lonely. My thoughts returned almost every day to Esme Platt, the beautiful young girl whose broken leg I had tended to so long ago. I preferred to remember her that way, rather than recall how dreadful she looked when I saw her in the morgue, hours after she had taken her own life by jumping from a cliff. My memories of her were always tinged with the bittersweet flavor of longing and the sour taste of the hundreds of "if only"s I had come up with over the years. I was sure that Esme had been my chance to share the sweetness of this everlasting existence, but I had hesitated, and then was too late, and thus I would forever be alone.

Sighing, I entered the hospital doors, pushing back the unpleasant feelings and forcing a smile to show on my face. I was in the place where I belonged, and was determined to have a good day.

Once I visited my locker and donned my lab coat and stethoscope, I ran a hand through my well-ordered blond hair, mussing it a bit, and walked out to the nurses' station. I smiled at the ladies who helped me care for my patients as they greeted me.

The nurses here at Seattle Children's Hospital were much more professional than many that I had worked with in the past. They were quite devoted to the patients, and did not waste their time trying to attract my attention. I appreciated this immensely. It was certainly preferable to not have the constant temptation that had been my company at most of my previous workplaces. I knew that I could not fall for one of them – I did not want to experience that heartbreak for a second time in my existence, and I certainly could not have a sexual encounter with a human woman either, not without giving away my secret and, at the very least, seriously endangering her life. So I maintained my professional decorum, as did they, and we worked each day, side by side, healing the children of Seattle.

"Good morning, ladies," I said, taking the stack of charts from Lydia, the charge nurse. "Is there anything I need to know before I start my rounds?"

I was informed quickly of the nighttime happenings, and then took my leave from them, walking in the direction of my first patient's room.

About two hours later, I was approaching the room of my final patient, reading her chart as I walked. The little girl in the room I was preparing to enter was Cassy, an eight year old from whose brain I had removed a tumor a few days prior to this one. Cassy was a very sweet child, whose smile had never wavered in the face of all that was before her, and I greatly enjoyed treating her.

I smiled as I looked over the night's lab results on my way into the room. All of her chemistries indicated that she was recovering nicely from surgery, and the cancerous cells appeared to have been completely removed. I was very pleased.

Stepping over the threshold of her room, however, my smile immediately faltered, and my entire body stiffened.

_Blood. _I could smell it. You might think that was to be suspected here in the hospital, in a surgical wing no less. But I was no ordinary vampire. I worked day in and day out in the hospital, performing surgery on humans, their blood constantly available to me. I had become immune to it well over a century ago. And while I could detect it's presence still, I never noticed it.

Until this moment.

_Blood. Freesia-perfumed, decadent, thick, healthy blood. Whooshing through the veins as a strong heart pumped it steadily,beat by beat. Mouth-watering. Blood._

I looked up in shock at the two humans in the room: one the child in her hospital bed, the other a young woman with long mahogany hair and warm brown eyes who sat beside her, book in hand, looking up at me with a smile. I forced myself to return the smile, but my teeth were clenched behind my lips. I swallowed hard, forcing the venom that pooled in my mouth back down my throat.

_What in the name of the good Lord was happening to me?_

My mind searched frantically for an explanation, but I could find none. I was freshly fed, had never once in all of my years felt the urge to feed from a human, yet here I was, standing before these two, licking my lips.

I immediately recognized my actions, and clenched my fists in an effort to focus, but to no avail.

"Excuse me, ladies," I said, spitting out the words without unlocking my jaw and walking briskly from the room, all the way back to the locker room, running to the sink and dousing my face with cold water.

The venom was searing my throat, demanding that I go back and drink my fill of that glorious freesia-scented nectar. Hearing a crack, I looked down and saw that I had gripped the sink so tightly that I had managed to break the porcelain.

"Shit," I muttered aloud, shaking my head hard. I felt like a newborn, but I couldn't understand why. Three hundred and sixty years of abstaining from human blood, and I suddenly was unable to control myself in it's presence?

I walked out of the washroom, slamming the door on my way out, and proceeded to the nurse's station. Lydia was making notes in a chart when I approached, and set her pen down to look up at me.

"Can I do something for you, Dr. Cullen?" she asked politely.

"Yes, Lydia. Please call Dr. Andrews and ask him to cover my shift. I'm suddenly not feeling well."

I was gone from her sight only seconds after the words left my mouth, not leaving time for her to ask what ailed me. I walked down the corridor, not bothering to stop in the locker room, discarded my lab coat in a laundry hamper and jogged out of the hospital and directly into the woods behind it, increasing my pace to a run as soon as I was out of sight.

Seventeen minutes later, I sat, full-bellied, beside the lifeless, and now blood-less, body of a large bear. I took a few minutes to enjoy the feeling of warmth that the fresh feeding provided to my cold form, and the cooling of my throat that had occurred as soon as the first few drops passed my lips.

I finally rose, took a moment to clean up after myself, buried the carcass in a shallow grave near a tree that was sure to be found by other animals, though not by humans, and then began to walk toward home. I didn't worry about my car, which I had left in the hospital parking garage, instead sending a text message to Jasper, requesting that he retrieve it for me.

I walked slowly, contemplating what had happened at the hospital as I passed the distance. It was nothing I had experienced before. As a newborn, I had secluded myself from humans, and by the time I re-entered society, I was well in control. I could not remember a single time in my three hundred sixty years that I had felt such a strong desire for blood, other than the night of my very first feeding when I attacked the herd of deer. It was unsettling, to say the least, and I wanted an explanation.

I spent the entire day sitting in my usual clearing, not wishing to go home and answer the questions that were sure to come from the others. No doubt Alice had seen me walk out on my shift, but I did not feel ready to answer for my actions. Truly, I had no answer to give.

The next morning, I reported to Seattle Children's in time for my regularly scheduled shift. I greeted the nurses as usual, and replied in the affirmative when Lydia inquired as to whether I was feeling better. According to the board in the hallway, I had an hour before my first surgery, so I decided to go and check on Cassy, since I had neglected to properly do so the morning before.

I paused for a few moments before the closed door of her room, extremely nervous about entering the room and encountering the scent of blood that had plagued my thoughts the past twenty-four hours. Taking a deep breath, I centered myself and let my inner monologue remind me that I was Carlisle Cullen, and that I could handle whatever was on the other side of the door, and then turned the handle.

I stepped into the room, and my muscles immediately relaxed. There was no mind-altering, venom-producing, irresistible scent in this room, only a little girl lying in a hospital bed watching Thumbelina on the television hanging from her ceiling with a smile upon her face.

"Hello, Cassy," I said softly, not wanting to frighten her since I had entered the room so quietly.

Her eyes left the screen and she turned her face toward me, the smile not waning. "Hi Dr. Cullen," she replied in a voice that did not betray the seriousness of the condition of her body in the least. "You came back."

I smiled. "Of course I came back, Cassy. I'm sorry I left so quickly yesterday. You know the way your belly suddenly begins to hurt sometimes? It was just like that for me yesterday. Now, why don't you tell me how you're feeling?"  
I took the seat beside her bed and listened to her as she described the last two days for me in vivid detail. I sat comfortably, satisfied with the knowledge that whatever it was that had happened to me the day before had most likely been a figment of my imagination.

I walked into the hospital on Wednesday of that week, poised and ready for a full day of surgeries. I was once again full of my usual confidence in myself and my abilities, and had no fear of finding difficulties in my job, at least none related to my being a vampire.

Those good feelings ended the moment I walked into Cassy's room at the end of my rounds.

_Blood. _The scent hit me like a freight train, and the word repeated in my mind with the rhythm of her pulse. I, in an incredibly uncharacteristic display of coordination, stumbled backwards a few steps until my back hit the wall.

_Blood. Thick, luscious, heady, freesia-perfumed blood. _The venom was seeping from the corners of my mouth as I struggled to remain standing where I was instead of moving towards the origin of the aroma to which my body was so drawn.

_Blood. I listened to the sloshing sound it made as it followed it's path through the veins, music to my ears._

I shook my head, desperate to clear it of the fog that the scent of the blood was creating. I didn't understand what was so happening, what was causing me to react this way, why it wasn't happening every time I walked into Cassy's room.

In a last stand effort to regain my composure, I reached my hand into the pocket of my pants, easily breaking through the fabric, and pinching my own thigh as firmly as I could. The pain that I caused myself was quite excruciating, and I was able to take my focus off of the fragrance in the air and concentrate on the pain instead.

"Hello, Cassy," I said, as gently as I could through gritted teeth. "How are you feeling this morning?"

"Dr. Cullen?" she asked, her brow furrowed. "Are you feeling sick again?"

"No, sweetheart, I'm just fine today. Can you tell me how you are?"

The little girl scowled slightly as she gave me her reply, quite obviously not satisfied with the answer I had given. "My head feels okay, and I can see the tv much better than even yesterday."

"Well that's wonderful news," I said with a strained smile. "All the reports that the nurses gave me say that you are recovering very well. Your temperature has been right where it should be too. That's important. It means that you aren't getting an infection. Are you eating your fruits and vegetables like you promised?"

Cassy made a face of disgust, and, had I not been causing myself such severe pain, I probably would have laughed. "Yes, Dr. Cullen," she groaned.

"That's good. Thank you for being such a good patient."

I was quickly running out of oxygen, as I was trying my best to hold my breath since the moment I had entered the room. I knew that taking a deep breath while inside, pain or no pain, was a bad idea. I needed to get out, and soon. I took one last look at the chart, signed my name by the notes I had just made, and set it at the end of her bed.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Cassy. I have to go now, good-bye."

I didn't even wait for a reply, instead walking backwards as fast as I could until I was in the hallway, and then making my way down the hall with long strides, reaching the door at the end of the hall and stepping into the stairwell. I leaned up against the wall and let myself fall down to the floor, my head in my hands.

_What was happening to me?_

I sat on the floor a few more minutes, trying desperately to understand why the scent in Cassy's room affected me so, and why it was doing so only on certain days, but I was at a loss.

Suddenly, the door to the stairwell opened, and I tensed, that same fragrance once again hitting me full force. I looked up, my eyes wide with shock, and saw the young woman who had been sitting by Cassy's bedside two days before. My shock turned to panic as the door closed behind her, and the stairwell's oxygen was rapidly saturated with the scent of freesias.

I tried to stop breathing, but it had been too late for that the moment that she opened the door. I sat there, arms wrapping around my knees tightly, holding myself in that position so that I could not advance toward her.

Through gritted teeth, I asked the young woman who was, I now understood, the cause of my distress, "Who are you?"

"My name is Bella," she replied softly. "I'm a student at UW, I come here twice a week to read to the cancer patients. I'm not sure what I've done, but I think I've offended you in some way, Dr. Cullen. I just wanted to apologize."

I immediately felt guilty for making this young woman feel badly, but was unable to offer a comforting smile with my jaw locked in place as it was. As much as the gentleman in me wanted to emerge, my vampiric nature was attempting to stage a coup inside my body, desperately attempting to force me forward, close enough to this woman to sink my teeth into her neck.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, trying to imagine myself somewhere else, somewhere calm and soothing. I needed to escape from this stairwell, which had now become my own personal gas chamber, poisoning my willpower with the most deliciously scented blood with which I had ever come into contact, as soon as possible, and the only way out was for Bella to let me out. I had to speak to her.

I wiped my hands across my lips, removing the venom that was beginning to seep from the corners of my mouth so that she didn't think that I was rabid, and looked up at her, finally.

_Bella. How appropriately she was named._

"No, Bella, there is no reason for apologizing," I said, rather unconvincingly, I'm sure, since my teeth were still grinding together as I held desperately to my control. "I think that this morning's breakfast is not agreeing with me. I'm simply having a bit of stomach discomfort. I hope you'll forgive my impolite behavior. I assure you, you've not offended me in the least."

The effort to speak those words to her had eliminated the last of the oxygen held by my lungs. My impending exit from this room had become more imperative than ever. So I did the only thing I could do without further injuring her feelings: I stood, smiled at her warmly, and then reached for the door handle, opening the door and stepping into the threshold, taking in a breath of the less-tainted air in the hallway, and then turning back to her.

"I think I'd better see the nurses for a bit of medicine. I'll see you next week, then, Bella."

She offered a quiet goodbye, the look on her face still reflecting her confusion, and I let the door close behind me, keeping her scent locked as much as possible away from me. I made my way down the hall to the locker room as quickly as I could without drawing attention to myself, and, once inside, made my way to the window and jumped from it, running into the woods for a quick snack before I had to begin my first surgery, not trusting myself around fresh blood after having been so roused only moments before.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: S. Meyer is still the proud owner of all things Twilight. I take no profit from this other than enjoyment. **

**Thanks again to Sharon, who gave me this prompt and waited patiently for me to figure out how I wanted to write it. I'm so glad that you like it!**

**Lead Me Not Into Temptation**

**Chapter 2**

I spent the rest of the week working out how best to deal with this new and confusing situation. I contemplated several times the idea of calling Aro, my old friend and leader of the Volturi, who had been around much longer than I, and therefore had experienced many phenomena which I had not, but I was not yet ready to admit that I was struggling with the call of human blood. Especially not to Aro, the vampire who spent the better part of four decades trying to convince me to consume what was "natural" for my kind.

I also avoided discussing the issue with my family, despite several attempts on the part of Jasper to get me to discuss what was bothering me. I simply couldn't allow myself to seem weak to the ones who had always looked up to me. They needed me to be strong, so strong I would be.

With very few answers, and even less certainty, I decided that gorging myself on blood before reporting to work on Monday morning was a good starting point. I walked into the hospital a few minutes before my shift began, my belly sloshing with the blood of two bucks and an antelope, as uncomfortably full as a vampire could probably get, I supposed. My hope was that, being so full, I couldn't possibly be attracted to any blood, not even Bella's.

I saved Cassy's room for last, just in case, and approached it with a nervous anticipation. I rapped lightly on the door and took a deep breath before entering, filling my lungs with what I knew would be the last bit of oxygen I could safely inhale for the next few minutes.

My precautions served me well, and, for the first time with Bella present in the room, I was able to examine Cassy thoroughly. My muscles and jaw remained tense, as I knew it would be exceedingly dangerous to allow myself to relax at all. I used my voice as little as possible, since each word used up another molecule of my precious oxygen, but Cassy, being the curious eight year old that she was, did not make this task easy on me.

"Do my stitches look better today, Dr. Cullen?" she asked in a sweet, high-pitched voice.

"Mmmhmmm," I replied as I gently prodded at them with my index finger, pleased with the way she was healing.

A moment later, as I was checking her reflexes, she asked, "My knee is jumping higher than before, isn't it?"  
Again, I hummed my approval. The little girl frowned slightly, looking slightly hurt.

"Dr. Cullen, my mommy told me that when grown ups don't talk back to me, that means I am bothering them. Am I bothering you?"

Not able to bear the burden of hurting the child that I genuinely liked, I took her hand in mine, smiling warmly, and replied. "Of course not, Cassy. I'm just concentrating on my work. I'll come back later, and we can chat, after I finish all of my surgeries."

_And after Bella is gone._

Cassy nodded her head and offered me a small smile. "Ok then," she said softly.

Clenching my fists tightly in my pockets and feeling the uncomfortable burn of the last of my oxygen dwindling in my lungs, I knew that my last words would have to be chosen carefully if I wanted to get out of this room without incident.

I smiled at Cassy, and then turned toward Bella. "Enjoy the rest of your reading time, Bella," I said, then returned my gaze to Cassy, "I'll see you this afternoon, sweetheart."

With one last smile, I walked out of the room, heaving a huge sigh of relief, glad to have successfully navigated my encounter with Bella's blood. I took a deep inhalation of the recycled hallway air - this was my mistake. Even though the door to Cassy's room was closed, I had breathed in deeply enough to catch some of Bella's sweet freesia scent that lingered in the hallway.

I stiffened, clenching my jaw tightly as the venom began to fill my mouth and scorch the back of my throat. For a moment, I stood still, my feet planted firmly to the floor, willing myself to stay where I was rather than allow my hand to reach out to turn the knob that would open for me the door to my downfall.

Focusing every thought I had on resisting, I walked down the hall, and, deciding on my way that some fresh air would do me a world of good, stopped to press the button to call the elevator. I waited only a moment before the heavy metal door opened, and then stepped inside, pressing the button for the ground floor.  
Just as the door was closing, a soft voice called out for me to hold the elevator. Without a thought, my chivalrous nature took over and pressed the "door open" button. An instant later, when I looked up and saw that the voice which had called out to me belonged to Bella, I inwardly cursed my parents for bringing me up to be a gentleman.

The elevator doors slowly closed, trapping me inside the tiny box with the woman who I was sure was either a instrument of torture sent by God himself to punish me for past sins, or the serpent from the Garden of Eden, appearing to me in human form to tempt me and bring about my fall from grace just as he did Adam and Eve thousands of years before this.

_Blood. Tantalizing, mouth-watering blood._

She stared straight ahead, her face flushed a slight pink, presumably from the effort of her brisk walk down the hall, bringing her alluring fragrance to the forefront of my thoughts.

_Blood. So sweet, begging to be sipped slowly and savored._

I felt my hands begin to tremble and my tongue ran over my lips in anticipation. My mind seemed to be covered with a haze that made it difficult to think coherent thoughts. I knew that I was only seconds away from losing my control completely.

_Blood. I needed it now._

Searching for anything else to focus on other than her scent, I began to examine her face as if I were a sculptor preparing to mold the clay into her likeness. I took careful account of each feature, truly looking at Bella for the very first time.

Her hair was long, with a very slight wave to it, a deep mahogany, with strands of red and blond throughout, and I was sure the color was an exact replica of the wood of the desk in my study at the house. Her cheekbones were high and prominent, still holding onto the lovely pink flush that tempted me so. Her nose, not too big nor too small, had a slight bump a quarter of the way down from her brow that suggested to me that it had once been broken, and was covered with a small smattering of freckles that seemed to convey a touch of innocence in the young woman. Her lips were full and plump, the lower one moist as if she had licked it just before entering the elevator. The man in me felt the sudden urge to lean in and press my lips against them. Her...

Then I realized it. My efforts at distracting myself had been much more than successful. Looking at her, I saw that Bella was beautiful. And now she was tempting me in more ways than one.

The door opened, and I was out the elevator and hospital doors without a word before Bella took her first step.

The next few weeks passed by in much the same manner. Cassy remained in the hospital, undergoing a round of precautionary chemotherapy as recommended by the oncologist, and I continued to oversee her care. This meant that every weekend was spent in Canada, hunting moose, and each Wednesday morning I glutted myself on local wildlife before reporting to the hospital for my shift, knowing that Bella and her nearly irresistible scent would be there, waiting to entice me and bid me to leave my vegetarian lifestyle behind.

Each exposure had become the slightest bit more manageable, though it was still a rather extreme hardship to be in the tight quarters of Cassy's hospital room with the scent of her blood perfuming the air. I had discovered on our last meeting that, if I focused as hard as I possibly could on attending to my patient's medical care, the smell of freesias would retreat to a small enough portion of my mind that I could unclench my teeth and speak to Cassy without seeming like a caveman.

Speaking to Bella, on the other hand, was a much larger challenge. Speaking to her required looking at her and giving her more of my attention than my tenuous grip on control allowed. It had been difficult enough when it was only my vampiric nature that she called to. But now? The elevator that we had shared weeks before, when I had truly seen her as a woman, now had my other half – the man within – drawn to Bella as well. For her own safety and mine, though, I could allow neither desire to be satisfied.

Being the gentleman that I was, however, I was unable to be rude to the young woman. So I was forced to pinch my thigh, as I had during my second exposure to her scent, far more often than I would have liked. I could tell simply by watching the furrow of her brow that she recognized my discomfort when speaking to her, and she, being polite as she always seemed to be, therefore kept our conversations to a minimum. There was no doubt in my mind, however, that she would have preferred more amiable communication between the two of us. The truth was, I did too. I only wished that I could provide it.

Each day was a struggle for control, an internal war waging between my desire to feed from her and my desire to lay her in my bed and make her mine. She tempted me so completely; there was only a small portion of my mind that was fighting to stay strong. But I had to. I had grown convinced that Bella was sent as a test for me, and it was a test that I was terrified of failing. As if she herself was the key to the gates of heaven, breaking or destroying her, as I was sure to do if I got any closer to her, would be my eternal damnation. I therefore spent every effort I could hunting and praying for strength.

On Wednesday, I arrived at the hospital early, my belly once again feeling almost uncomfortably sloshy after spending the hours surrounding sunrise glutting myself on the blood of two does and a large mountain lion. I assumed that this day to be much like the others that had passed over the last month.

I have never been so wrong.

The day began as usual. I visited the nurses' station, learned the news from the overnight staff before they left, and performed my rounds. I did not have a surgery scheduled until after the lunch hour, so I was able to take my time, conversing with my patients as I examined them, enjoying learning more about the humans for whose lives I was providing care.

Cassy's room, as always, was left for the end. After a soft knock, I entered the room, offering a smile to both Bella and Cassy, and inquired about their reading. It seemed that they were now halfway through Anne of Green Gables, and the little one enjoyed telling me about it each time I saw her.

I let her give me the latest news of the young orphan girl as I examined her, checking her pulse and listening to her lungs, then took a moment to look over her latest lab results.

"Cassy, dear, would you mind opening your mouth for me, so that I can look inside?" I interrupted as she was busy discussing Anne's new teacher at school.

The little girl nodded and opened her mouth wide for me. I frowned as I peered inside, seeing exactly what I had expected to find – her gums were already very pale, confirming the anemia that I already detected through the scent of her blood and which the previous night's labs had suggested.

I stood back up and smiled softly at Cassy, keeping my thoughts focused on her and doing my best to completely block Bella from my mind and senses. "Cassy, it seems that you have what we doctors call anemia. This is a sickness that you get from the medicine we're giving you, and it makes you have less good red cells in your blood than you should. Do you understand that, dear?"

Cassy nodded, her eyes wide, showing me that she was afraid. I reached out and took her hand, giving it a light squeeze.

"It's ok, dear. I will talk with your parents about this later. For now, I don't want you to worry. I'm going to send in Nurse Julie in a little while with some new blood for you. It'll go right in here," I pointed to her central line, so that she wouldn't feel worried about more needle sticks, "and it will help you to feel better. You'll probably feel a little more tired than usual, so I want you to get lots of rest. Can you do that for me?"

Cassy nodded for me again, this time smiling a little. "I _am_ feeling sleepy, Dr. Cullen," she said with a yawn. "Can I turn on some music while I rest?"

"Absolutely," I replied, walking over to the CD player on the window sill and pressing play. I then returned to the side of her bed, pulling the covers up over her frail body and whispering for her to have pleasant dreams. I made a few more notes on her chart before moving to place it in the holder at the end of her bed.

"Dr. Cullen?" Bella called softly from her perch in the corner of the room.

I glanced over at her, my muscles tightening instinctively as I tried to steady myself for the impact of her scent as my attention focused on her. It hit like a freight train, just as I'd expected it to, but my preemptive measures helped me to disguise my discomfort fairly well, I thought.

Bella blushed slightly and bit her lip, each action luring a part of me in. I locked my feet to the floor, willing them not to move, and I swallowed hard, forcing the venom back down my throat. "Yes, Bella?"

"I have a meeting with the volunteer coordinator in a little over an hour," she said as Cassy's soft snores began to fill the silence. "I was wondering if you'd like to have lunch with me in the cafeteria?"

The shock that I felt at her request must have registered on my face, because she immediately backpedaled.

"I just... I have some questions for you... About Cassy. I know that I'm not her parent, so there's not much you can tell me about her, but I thought maybe if I asked you general questions, you might be able to answer?"

I smiled a bit, understanding what she was asking, and feeling a bit of compassion toward the young woman who had obviously developed a genuine affection for my patient, just as I had.

"Come on, Bella," I replied with a nod, gesturing toward the door.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: owns all things Twilight. This is my mind at work, playing with her characters for pure enjoyment. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

**Lead Me Not Into Temptation**

**Chapter 3**

A short time later, I was sitting across a small table from Bella. I had chosen the table nearest the food, so that the unpleasant smells of lasagna and chicken fingers would slightly mask the delicious scent of Bella that filled the air.

I had managed to avoid eating anything myself, telling Bella that I had a snack just before making my rounds. I did not mention that the snack had been the blood of forest animals, of course. So I sat with my hands folded politely while Bella ate, doing my best to provide answers to her questions about the side effects of the chemotherapy regime that Cassy was receiving.

We sat for about thirty minutes before I had answered the last of Bella's inquiries, and then our conversation turned onto the subject of Bella's studies. I was curious as to what had prompted her volunteerism here at the hospital, and I found myself feeling truly sad for her as she told me the story of watching her mother die of cancer during her first two years of high school. When she explained how her father, by then divorced from her mother for over ten years, had taken time away from his job to travel to his former wife's bedside in Arizona and read to her from the latest romance novels that were her favorites, my heart felt warm. This young woman had obviously inherited her compassion and sensitivity from her father, and I could see that the world would be better because of it.

I realized, in that moment, that I had begun to enjoy Bella's company, despite the discomfort it caused. She was a good person, and I found myself wanting to know even more about her. This fact, however, made me even more uncomfortable than the scent of her blood. I had not forgotten that Bella was a human, one with especially tantalizing blood, no less, which made my growing desire for her company an impossible dream.

It was then, in my moments of musing and silently scolding myself for doing so, that the disaster began.

Bella was reaching for her telephone, which sat in the middle of the table, presumably to check the time, and was bumped from behind by a young man who was clearing tables. He hit her hard enough to jostle her quite severely, and the glass containing her juice was knocked to the floor, shattering over the tiles.

Time, for that moment, froze, I am sure. Bella, in her embarrassment over the stares from the rest of the cafeteria's patrons, immediately dropped to the floor to clean up the mess. The blush that colored her cheeks enticed me to join her, to extinguish the fire in my throat with the blood that filed her veins, but I held still, protecting her with my sheer willpower for a few extra seconds until the blush calmed. Being a gentleman, I couldn't bear to allow her to do this work on her own, so when I saw that her face was once again the milky white that was her usual complexion, I joined her on the floor.

We faced each other, both of us on our knees, and picked up the tiny shards of glass that littered the floor, placing them on her plate. We were entirely too close to each other for me to be prepared for what happened next.

Preoccupied with the bits of broken glass that I was removing from the floor, I did not notice as Bella picked up a particularly ragged shard. I did, however, notice immediately, my head whipping around to face her, venom already dripping from my lower lip, when said shard pierced the flesh of her index finger.

I would like to say that my willpower held. It did not. I had enough trouble resisting her when we were in the same room, but now? Now, as I watched a single droplet of that crimson ambrosia seem from the tear in her skin, it was impossible.

I stared at it for a moment, as she pinched the finger between the thumb and index of her other hand, causing the droplet of blood to grow even larger, barely realizing that I was licking my lips in anticipation. My throat burned ravenously, and I could feel my muscles, acting without my permission, tensing, readying my body to pounce on my prey.

Time passed, I believe, though I could never say how much, as I stared at that blood, willing myself to resist as I scooted closer to her. When I was finally close enough to reach the young woman, my hand shot out, grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her injury closer to my face. I'm sure she assumed I was just trying to get a closer look. I wasn't. I had seen enough. It was finally time for a taste.

I locked my eyes with hers, watching as they registered shock and confusion as my lips came down around her finger, holding it gently between my teeth, the flat center of my tongue pressing against the injured flesh, letting the blood spread out over my taste buds.

_Heaven._

My eyes closed, the pleasure of the blood raising a purr from deep in my chest. I sucked gently on her finger, caressing the wound with my tongue as I tried to pull out just a little bit more of the most delicious flavor to have ever crossed my lips from the wound before my venom caused it to seal.

I didn't swallow, instead letting the blood linger on my tongue, savoring the taste, my mind a whirlwind of ecstasy. I heard a low moan escape my lips without making a conscious decision to make such a sound.

I cannot say how long I sat there, swirling my blood-coated tongue around Bella's finger, enjoying the taste of her flesh nearly as much as I had her blood, before the scent of her arousal brought my attention back to the cafeteria, and to the fact that I was sucking on a young woman's bloodied finger in the middle of it with a distinct tightening occurring around the zipper of my slacks. As my eyes began to regain focus, I pulled her hand away from my mouth, letting go of her wrist as I laid her hand on the top of her leg.

Feeling panicked as I met her gaze, seeing the utter confusion in her expression, I swallowed the blood and venom that still pooled in my mouth, and spoke in a low whisper. "Forgive my crass behavior. That was entirely inappropriate." I paused for a moment, trying to find a way out of the hole that I had just dug for myself. "If you'll excuse me, Bella," I continued, "I have a surgery in a bit, and I need to report to the scrub room immediately. Good afternoon."

I stood quickly and was gone from the cafeteria before Bella had a chance to respond.

I left the hospital that afternoon, stopping only at my office to collect my keys and leave a quick note for the chief of surgery, citing a family emergency that required me to leave town immediately and a promise to return the following week. After my behavior in the cafeteria, I wasn't actually sure that returning to the hospital was a possibility. I made the decision as I sat down in my Mercedes in the hospital's parking garage to have a family meeting when I returned home after my hunt, knowing that Alice would See and gather everyone for me.

I drove my car east, out of the city, traveling for just under an hour until I left the interstate and parked my car just off of the road near the forest. Stepping out of the car, I walked slowly into the trees, then inhaled.

I could smell several options for prey in the surrounding area, but none of them smelled like freesias, which, to my great displeasure, was a disappointment to me. I could still taste Bella's blood on my tongue, the flavor had been so intensely perfect for me – nothing had ever tasted so good in all my centuries. But it was imperative that I stop thinking of her blood, stop thinking of returning to the city to find her and let my sharp teeth cut through the thin, milky white flesh on her neck and savor every last drop that I had missed.

I shook my head, hard, trying desperately to clear my mind. I inhaled again, deeper this time, determined to find something acceptable to sate my need for blood. In the east, I caught the scent of a herd of deer, and wrinkled my nose in disgust. I turned to the west: a brown bear, perhaps two. They held no appeal to me whatsoever.

Sighing, I began to run to the south, following the scent of a lynx, the most appealing of the options that I had, but still quite a disappointment. Lynx had always been a favorite of mine, and I worried that I would never again be satisfied with anything now that I had tasted the most perfect blood on earth.

I caught up quickly with the wild cat, pouncing upon its back and easily wrestling it to the ground, piercing through its vein without a thought. I silently cursed Bella and everyone and everything that had brought her into my life with each swallow of the animal's blood, until it was completely drained. I shoved the carcass away from me, and stayed on my knees, placing my face in my hands and silently praying to god, begging him over and over to forgive me for what I had done that afternoon and to give me the strength to resist in the future.

I was still in that position some time later, when Jasper jogged into the small clearing and sat down beside me. I felt the warmth of his hand on my back as he gently patted me.

"Come on, Carlisle. Alice says everything is gonna be alright. You gotta come home now, and talk to us. Even Edward came back. Alice said you would need everyone."

I looked up at him, my vision slightly blurred by the venom that had pooled in my eyes, making them burn with the tears that refused to fall, and nodded my head slowly.

"Yes, Jasper, let us go. I think there is much that needs to be said."

The conversation at my house that evening was quite enlightening, and I must say that, while it was a great relief to bear my soul to my family, I was entirely unprepared for what I learned from them.

As I recounted to them the entirety of my encounters with Bella, all the way back to the beginning, I was met with nods and smiles from each of the boys, a reaction which confused me more than anything. I was forced to stop the story early, however, at the point in which Bella's finger was first cut, when I was distracted by the sound of leather ripping. I looked up toward the sound and found Jasper sitting in the couch with darkened eyes, his entire body tense, fists gripping the shredded cover of the couch, venom dripping from his chin. Emmett and Alice were on either side of him, gently soothing him.

"What's going on?" I asked, completely confused.

"Carlisle," Edward began, his voice edgy. "Could you please think of _anything_ else besides Bella, please? Perhaps shopping for shoes, or sitting in your clearing?"

I did as he asked, picturing a starry night, lying on my back in the clearing, enjoying the scent of the wildflowers and cedars. I did this until I heard several sighs of relief, then I opened my eyes and looked around the room, finding everyone once again relaxed.

"What in the hell was that about?" I demanded.

"_That_, my dear Carlisle, was your memory affecting us," Edward explained. "Jasper was feeling your thirst as you remembered it. He was barely remaining in his seat. I could smell the girl, just as you could, through your thoughts. I wanted to run out in search of her. However did you stand it, Carlisle?"

I shook my head. "It was nearly impossible. Today was worse, when her blood was spilled..." I hung my head, ashamed. "I tasted her."

"Carlisle, stop that, damn it," Emmett scolded, scowling at me. "Don't you get what happened? Jasper let me feel the thirst you felt... Remember the woman in Virginia? Or the one in Wyoming? The only two humans I ever fed from? It was the same, Carlisle. Exactly the same."

I looked up, shocked, and then let my eyes meet those of each member of my family, all of whom were nodding in agreement with Emmett. My mouth gaped open a little bit, as the realization hit me. I instantly remembered the conversation I had had with Aro after Emmett's slip, when he had explained to us the concept of the "singer" - the human whose blood is a siren song to one specific vampire, whose blood was made just for him, and therefore irresistible. Never before, not in three centuries, had I been so affected by the blood of a human. Emmett was right. Bella was _my_ singer.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: owns all things Twilight. I'm thankful for the opportunity to mold what she made so that it fits my own vision.**

**Lead Me Not Into Temptation**

**Chapter 4**

I spent the rest of the week in Canada with the boys, hunting larger game such as moose and grizzlies, until we were so full that movement was rather uncomfortable. We hunted until the taste of Bella's blood was nothing more than a memory, and moose once again had the delicious maple syrup taste that I had always enjoyed in the past.

I returned to Seattle early Monday morning, ready to return to the hospital, since Alice said that it was safe to do so. I wasn't sure whether I'd be seeing Bella that morning, as was the usual on Mondays, since my behavior toward her in the cafeteria was cause enough for her to try to avoid me.

As it turned out, however, Bella was not as put off by my actions as I had expected her to be, and so I was confronted by her scent the moment I stepped through the door of Cassy's room. I stiffened slightly, but tried my best to appear more collected than I actually was. I smiled at Bella, determined to be polite, and then proceeded to examine Cassy.

Finishing the examination, I paused to look over the little girl's chart before looking up at her with a smile. "Cassy, dear, it seems that you are doing extremely well. Better even than we expected. The medicine and blood that we've been giving you has helped with your anemia, and that was the worst of your side effects. You had the last of your chemotherapy on Friday, so if all goes well these next few days, I'd bet you'll be home in time for the weekend. What do you say to that, sweetheart?"

Bella rushed across the room to Cassy's bedside, giving the little girl a gentle hug. Her abrupt movement spread her scent around the room, and I gnashed my teeth together, fisting my hands tightly. I was so focused on resisting that I couldn't hear the exchange between Bella and Cassy as they celebrated the happy news.

As I looked at her, the memory of the way she tasted – a memory I thought for sure I had buried – resurfaced. The utter bliss that I had experienced when her flavor first touched my tongue was within my reach, and my whole body tingled with anticipation at that thought. At the same time that the raging inferno in my throat called to me to drink my fill of her, my body felt pulled toward her; whatever had occurred between us in the cafeteria had severely weakened my ability to resist the desire to hold her body against mine, a desire that had grown stronger each time I'd seen her since that day in the elevator.

My desire to know her, to be closer to her, had been growing steadily with each interaction. Seeing her pure heart as she hugged Cassy, her genuine happiness for the good news of another person, and witnessing the way her eyes lit up when she smiled... The twin desires, both of which, I reminded myself, were impossible dreams, were quickly taking over my body and mind. I needed to get out of this room, immediately.

"If you ladies will excuse me," I interrupted, "I have surgeries to perform in a short while. I'll see you this afternoon, Cassy, when your parents are here. Good afternoon, Bella."

They both bid me goodbye, and I walked out of the room, sighing with relief that the encounter was over as soon as I closed the door behind me.

I walked briskly to the end of the corridor, deciding to take the stairs back up to my office rather than risk a ride in the elevator with a human while my thirst was still roused. I entered the stairwell, taking a seat on the second step, resting my head in my hands, not at all amused by the contrasting reactions I was having to the events of a few moments before.

On the one hand, I was so pleased by the news that Cassy would be going home. Any time that I was able to send a patient home with a clean bill of health was a good time for me. In addition, the little girl was my only patient in the cancer ward, so her departure from the hospital meant that I would no longer be subjected to the terrifying temptation of my singer's blood twice a week.

On the other hand, Cassy's departure from the hospital meant that I would no longer have the opportunity to be in Bella's presence. I would not be able to enjoy getting to know her better, nor would I be able to admire her beauty and kind heart two mornings a week.

It was such a double-edged sword.

My thoughts, however, were interrupted when the door to the stairwell opened. The space around me was immediately perfumed by what was at once my most hated and most loved fragrance in the world: Bella.

"Dr Cullen," she began, in a voice that was more assured that what I was used to from her. "We need to talk. Do you have some free time?"  
Swallowing hard, both to force the venom back and to deal with my anxiety over what she might wish to talk about, I nodded my head.

"I don't think this is the right place. Perhaps your office?"

I was just about to agree when I had a spark of inspiration. "No, not my office. Let's step outside. We can talk while we walk around the hospital gardens." It was a cloudy day, but not raining. Outside was the safest place, because Bella's scent would be the least concentrated in the open air.

Bella nodded in agreement, and we walked silently down the two flights of stairs, neither of us speaking again until we were outside of the hospital.

"Dr. Cullen," she began again, sounding a bit more nervous. "I need you to tell me what happened last week. In the cafeteria."

"I'm sorry, Bella. I behaved abominably. There is no excuse at all for my actions."

Bella shook her head. "I disagree. I think there is an excuse. A rather good one, at that."

I furrowed my brow, looking at the young woman in confusion. "What on earth are you talking about, Bella? What excuse could I offer that would negate the extremely inappropriate suckling of your finger?"

She stopped in front of a bench and sat down, looking to her side, silently instructing me to do the same. I complied. We sat for a moment in silence, then she finally moved, holding her index finger up before my eyes.

"I was extremely clumsy as a child. It's better now, but certainly not cured. So I get hurt a lot, Dr. Cullen. But never before have I cut myself and had it heal instantaneously, leaving a scar like this."

I looked at her finger and gasped as a tiny ray of sunlight permeated the clouds, hitting the silver line on her fingertip and causing it to shimmer.

_My venom. _It was the only answer. But I could not tell her that, nor could I think of an alternative explanation to offer. Instead, I sat there, slightly slack-jawed, and did not speak.

"I know," she whispered, her eyes meeting mine. "I thought about it that whole night, and the whole next day. I _know_, Dr. Cullen. I just don't understand."

_She knew_? Certainly she could not.  
"You know what, Bella?" I asked.

"I know what you are."

"You mean a doctor?" I asked, hoping against hope that she was wrong in her assumptions, as _anything_ would be better than the truth.

"No, Dr. Cullen," she said, reaching over and resting her venom-scarred hand on my own. "Your touch is so cold. You skin," she continued, lightly tracing a circle on the top of my hand with her fingertip, "is so pale. And your eyes?" She reached up and placed her fingertips on my cheek. "I've never seen eyes of this color on a human before, only on a cat. But the most important detail is that you moaned at the taste of my blood. I know that's what you did. I _know_, Dr. Cullen."

My mind began to race as utter panic overtook me. She _did_ know. And yet she was still sitting next to me. Why?

"If you are so sure that your assumption is correct," I said, neither confirming nor denying anything, "Why are you here with me? Are you not afraid?"

She shook her head, not taking her eyes, which reflected her sincerity, off mine. "If you were going to hurt me, you would have done so in the cafeteria last Wednesday. I'm not sure why you didn't, really. I was hoping you would explain."

I reached up and took her hand off my face, holding it between mine, and shook my head at her. "You are entirely too trusting, Bella."

"You won't hurt me, Dr. Cullen," she repeated, her voice not wavering.

"It is much more accurate to say that I don't _want_ to hurt you, Bella."

Bella looked down at our joined hands for a moment, then looked back up at me with a smile. "You are a doctor. You treat patients every day, and, from what I've gathered, you're extremely good at it. Your mortality rate is extremely low. That tells me that I am right to trust you."

"You're different," I whispered.

"Why?" she asked. "Does my life mean less to you because I'm not your patient? Do you only resist the ones that you are required by oath not to harm?"  
Her questions were asked innocently – she was truly trying to understand. It was baffling.

"Your life means more, Bella," I replied softly, rather afraid to be admitting it out loud. "It means more than it should, really. But your scent... It calls to me, much more strongly than anything I have ever encountered. It's much harder to resist. I've never tasted the blood of a human in all my years, not until yours. I do not _want_ to hurt you, Bella, but I fear my own willpower."

When I finished speaking, I watched her, almost able to see the thought whirlwind spinning in her head. I knew that I had just given her many more questions, that I had opened a door between us, broken the cardinal rule of my kind in sharing my secret with her, whether or not I had actually used the word vampire. She was a human, and she knew what I was. She would now be in my life for as long as she was on the earth. Was that a blessing or a curse?

"I know you have more questions, Bella," I said, sighing softly. "I promise you that I will answer them all. But I need your assurance that you will speak of this to no one. Doing so would be the end of both of our lives."

"I promise," she replied. "Just as you don't want to hurt me, I don't want to hurt you, Dr. Cullen."

I laughed softly at the idea of this tiny woman hurting me. "I think the time has come for you to call me Carlisle, Bella," I said, smiling. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my prescription pad, quickly writing down the number of my cell phone. "I have to go to surgery now. Take this, and you can call me after my shift. I promised you answers, after all."

She smiled, and I truly felt warmth spreading through me, as if her smile was sunshine itself. I was amazed at the effect this human had on me, how she could tempt me so much, torture me so completely, yet make me so happy. I wanted to make her that happy too.

She slipped the number into her purse, and then rose to leave. "I'll let you get back to work, Carlisle," she said softly. "I'll talk to you this evening."

I watched her walk away, and silently wondered what in god's name I had gotten myself into.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: owns Twilight and it's characters. Only this plot is mine.**

**Lead Me Not Into Temptation**

**Chapter 5**

That evening, after I finished my shift, I returned to the house and walked into the living room, sitting down in the armchair by the fire and watching the sparks shoot up off the logs. I heard the slow gait that I recognized as Jasper in the hallway before he entered the room, and looked up to give him a smile of greeting. Rather than return it, he smirked at me, a knowing smirk that he completed with the addition of a wink as he passed by me on his way to the bookshelf.

I started to ask what he was playing at, but was interrupted by the ringing of the phone I held in my pocket. I placed it to my ear and said hello.

"Hello, Carlisle," Bella's voice spoke from the other end of the line. "Is this a good time?"

I glared over at Jasper as I spoke, now understanding his smirk – he had obviously been forewarned of my incoming call by his wife. "Yes, Bella, now is a fine time."

"You said that we could talk? There are about a million questions in my head now..."

"Of course. I could come to you, or we could just speak over the phone. I want you to be comfortable."

"I'd be very happy to see you," she said. I could hear the smile in her tone, and I found myself wearing a smile of my own at the thought. The smile was quickly replaced by a scowl, however, as I heard Jasper's low chuckle from behind me.

She gave me her address, which was easy enough to memorize, and I said goodbye. Then I turned to Jasper. "What exactly is so funny?" I demanded.

Jasper shook his head, a smirk playing at his lips despite his attempt to appear innocent. "Not a damn thing, Carlisle."

Having spent enough time with Jasper in the last several decades to know that he wasn't going to say any more on the subject, I shook my head and walked out of the house, picking up my keys on the way and jogging through the yard to the oversized garage where my Mercedes sat waiting for me. I turned it on, enjoying the soft purr of the engine, and drove to the address Bella had given me.

I stopped the car in front of a small apartment building and got out, quickly making my way to the door and knocking lightly. It took less than a minute for Bella to answer, and the problem with remaining in her apartment was immediately apparent when she opened the door: the air in the small space was heavy with the scent of freesias, and it was nearly enough to knock me on my knees. I took a few steps backward, gripping the iron railing of the porch so tightly that I was sure I was changing it's shape.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I cannot come in," I said, my voice shaking. "Please, take a jacket, we can talk outside."

Bella nodded, smiling gently. I could not understand her ease with which she was handling my reaction, but I was grateful for it. I walked back down the path to my car and stood beside it, waiting for a couple of minutes until Bella re-emerged, jacket on and purse in hand.

"Why don't you leave your purse here, Bella," I suggested. "I'm not sure that a ride in the car is a good idea, so I was thinking we might take a little walk."

Bella did as I asked, setting her bag just inside the door and then locking it behind her, and then came to stand beside me on the sidewalk. "Ready?" she asked.

I nodded. "Let's go."

We walked a few blocks, I leading the way toward the woods, before Bella asked her next question.

"Why couldn't you enter my house? I was inviting you in."  
I laughed, realizing that her question was based on one of the many Hollywood misinterpretations of vampire lore. "That's just a myth, dear," I explained gently. "I couldn't go into your house because your scent was much too concentrated to be manageable for me."

She walked on beside me quietly, probably musing over my response, until we reached the end of the sidewalk. "Are we going to turn around now?" She asked.

"I would like to take you somewhere, so that we can talk privately. But I'll only do so if you are comfortable going with me," I said, almost hoping that she said no.

She didn't.

"Bella, there's a place that I like to go to for privacy. It's pretty far into the woods, but I can get us there rather quickly, if you'll let me carry you. I promise to be very careful, but the choice is, of course, yours."

She looked up at me, worry etching creases in her forehead. "Won't I be too heavy for you? Or, you know, too close?"

I smiled, amazed by her kindness and genuine concern for others yet again. "No, dear. I'm extremely strong. Carrying you would take no greater effort for me than for you to carry your wallet." I chucked softly at her gasp, thinking how there were so many things that she had to learn about me. My chuckle stopped abruptly though, when I realized that any one of the things she might learn could be the piece of information that pushed her past what she could handle, and she'd be gone from my life. The stab of pain that came with that realization did not pass unnoticed, but I forced myself to push those feelings away. Bella was a temptation, in so many ways, but I knew better than to succumb.

"As for your scent, I'll carry you on my back, if you don't mind. The air will carry your scent away from me, and it shouldn't be too difficult."

Bella smiled slightly, cocking a brow. "You're going to give me a piggy-back ride?"

I chuckled softly. "I suppose I am."

I squatted down, letting her climb onto my back, and then rose again, bidding her hold on tightly, and ran into the woods, consciously keeping my speed slower than I would have had I been alone so that she would not be too frightened. I ran until I reached my clearing, slowing as I reached it so as not to stop too suddenly for her. When I did stop, I held onto her for a moment before lowering her to the ground, and then turned to face her.

Her skin was slightly pale, and her eyes were evidence of her fright.

"I'm sorry, Bella. Was it too fast?"

She shook her head, and spoke in a hushed voice. "No... I just... Wow." She shook her head quickly, as if trying to regain focus. "I didn't expect that. You're so...fast."

I smiled. "I am actually much faster than that. I was trying not to frighten you." I gestured toward the center of the clearing. "Would you like to sit?"

She sat down, cross-legged, a foot or two away from where we were standing, and I stayed where I was, dropping down to the ground and leaning back on my hands. We sat that way for awhile, and I did my best to provide answers for all of her queries. She asked about the obvious – what might happen to me in the sunlight, how did I manage to be a doctor, how I became a vampire, as well as the more obscure questions, like whether it had been difficult to adjust to all of the advances in technology that had occurred throughout the course of my existence. And of course, she asked me about sleeping.

"I cannot sleep, Bella."

"Not at all?" she asked, her eyes wide with surprise.

"No, never. It's not really bothersome, as I never feel tired either, but I do sometimes wish that I could simply close my eyes and escape from this world for a time."

"So then you cannot dream," she mused.

I shook my head. "Of course I can. I simply do it while waking. Most of my nights, in fact, are spent lying here in this field on my back, dreaming about what the world has in store for me next."

She scooted a bit closer to me, her curious eyes meeting mine. "Did you ever dream that you'd be here now?"

_Falling for a human? Trying my hardest not to drain that same human of every last drop of her blood __for my own satisfaction? No Bella, I did not._

My inner monologue ignored, I chose a simple answer. "I'm not sure I could have come up with such a circumstance on my own."

A very slight blush colored her cheeks as she tilted her face down and began to toy with a few blades of grass absently. I couldn't deny how beautiful she was when she blushed, and, without thought, I reached out and brushed back a hair that had fallen over her eyes, tucking it behind her ear. My actions caused her to look up, at first with only her eyes. The effect of that action was immediately evident in the rush of venom to my cock. It seemed that no part of my body was able to resist her.

"Yet here we are," she whispered, so low that I might not have even heard her if I'd been human.

I nodded, leaning in toward her, my will to resist being compromised by my desire for her. "Bella, you are free to leave at any time. I only ask that you keep secret everything we've discussed."

"What if I don't want to leave?" she whispered, her hand coming up to cover mine on her cheek.

I shook my head. "You should. I only have so much willpower, Bella."

Each sentence we whispered pulled us another fraction of an inch closer to each other as we both leaned in. Our proximity could have been attributed to our need to hear the whispers, but I think both of us knew that this wasn't the real reason. We were almost touching now, our forehead mere centimeters apart, and if I was completely honest, I would say that I was so lost in her deep fudge-colored eyes that I had completely forgotten the scent of freesias.

"Then stop fighting," she breathed, tilting her chin up so that her lips were within reach of my own.

I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be honorable. But I wanted to kiss her more.

I pressed my chin forward just the slightest bit, and our lips met. Hers were so soft, so full and supple. I immediately wanted more. I reached down with my lower lip to capture her bottom lip, sucking on it ever so gently, kissing it over and over again. I was lost in the moment, without thought, without reason. Everything in the world was there in Bella's lips.

I kissed her this way for just a moment before I let my tongue slip past my lips, brushing against hers, which parted immediately. My tongue slid into her mouth, and I moaned deeply as I had my first true taste of her – not her blood, but _her_. My hands, without a conscious decision, reached up and cupped her cheeks, holding her to me, as I felt every bit of passion in my body flowing to my lips. I needed her, in every way that I could ever need another person.

And it was that thought, as it crossed my mind, that brought the kiss to an abrupt end.

It took everything I had to pull away from her, but I knew that I did not have a choice. I had just thought of her as "another person," obviously forgetting the fact that _I _was not a person at all, but a vampire. This was far too dangerous. For both of us.

I didn't miss the disappointed expression that she tried to hide, but instead of letting it affect me, I reminded myself silently of the sirens of ancient Greece, who lured the sailors to their deaths on the rocks with their songs. Those tales were my guide at this moment. I had to resist the siren call that was Bella – both her blood and herself – if I was to save myself from the firey pits of hell. She was my test - I was sure of this - and I could not allow myself to fail.

Not daring meet her eyes, I looked off into the distance. "Forgive me, please, Bella. That was... Inappropriate. I should have more control." Even I could hear the lack of emotion in my voice. I sounded dead. More dead than I actually was.

"Carlisle," Bella admonished. "Don't tell me you're sorry." She grabbed my chin in her tiny hands and turned my face toward her. When she spoke again, there was less power to her voice, and it sounded like a plea. "Don't kiss me like that and then tell me you're sorry."

"I have to be, Bella," I said softly. "This is too dangerous. I can't let it happen again."

Bella's eyes flashed with anger. "This isn't only your choice, Carlisle! I understand that there is a risk inherent to being around you. Don't think that I've discounted or trivialized it. I haven't. I've simply made the decision to trust my instincts...and my heart, which tell me that the benefits that come with being near you far outweigh the risk. I'm not going anywhere, not unless you force me away."

I sighed heavily, shaking my head. "You don't understand, Bella," I said exasperatedly, pulling on my hair as my hand ran through it for what was at least the tenth time. "Nothing good can come from this! I will either kill you or...kill you. Are those options that you find pleasant?"

Bella didn't immediately respond, and I didn't wait for her to do so, instead getting to my knees.  
"Get on my back, Bella. I'll get you home." For a moment, she tried to protest, but she must have seen the determined set of my jaw, and dropped the effort. "It's better this way, Bella."

I ran us back to her apartment, faster than I had run on the way to the clearing, not sure my willpower would hold if I didn't get this over with quickly. When we arrived there, I set her down and walked with her to her front door. We stood before the open entrance, both of us hesitating, knowing that, when she crossed that threshold, all of the magic of this night would end.

I saw sadness in her eyes, and hated that I had caused her to feel this way, but I knew that, though she might hurt now, it was better than the way we would both suffer if I did not walk away.

I reached out and touched her shoulder, trying to give her some modicum of comfort. "You've no idea just how sorry I am, Bella. But I have to walk away now, it's the only way to save you. And me. No matter to which of your temptations I might succumb, the result is always the same: your death, my damnation. I have to be strong, now, to save us both." I leaned in and kissed her gently on the forehead. "Good-bye, Bella."

I didn't wait for a response, instead turning and running down the stairs, climbing into my Mercedes, and driving away as quickly as I could. As I passed the miles between her apartment and my family's home, I noticed that I could not smell her on my clothes. For the first time in over three centuries, I could smell nothing at all.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: owns all recognizable parts of Twilight. **

**Thanks to mommybrook for pre-reading this chapter for me. Oh, and I hereby give you a tissue warning. **

Chapter 6

I passed the next few days without really realizing it. I went to the hospital, checked on my patients, performed my surgeries, all in a robotic fashion. I barely heard the words spoken to me, didn't notice the sights surrounding me, nor did I register any of the scents around me. And worst of all, I felt nothing.

On Wednesday, I checked on Cassy early, before she had even been served her breakfast, so that I could avoid Bella altogether. I couldn't bring myself to see her. It made no sense to me that, only a few days ago, I was praying to God to remove the temptation from my path, or to make me strong enough to resist it, and now that I had done exactly that, I was more unhappy than I'd ever been.

I actually missed the burn in my throat that had tortured me so completely only days before. I missed the extreme pain that I had so often caused myself by pinching my thigh during conversations with Bella, so that I could fight the call of her scent. I missed the warmth that filled my chest when I saw her kind smile. I missed the way her gorgeous brown eyes had looked into me, how she had _seen _me. I missed...her.

I couldn't understand why the torture had not ended. I had passed my test, hadn't I? I neither fed from her nor broke her with my desire. Over and over again, I prayed to God, this time for relief from the pain that her loss was causing me.

On Friday, I was barely able to smile to wish Cassy and her parents well as I signed her discharge papers. The little girl remained in the room with me while her parents carried all of her belongings to the car, and after a full minute of watching her looking at me with a worried expression on her face, I finally spoke.

"Cassy, dear, are you afraid of being back home?"

My patient shook her head. "No, Dr. Cullen. I'm afraid for you. You're sad now. I don't want you to be sad."

I forced a smile and shook my head, trying to reassure her. "No, dear. I'm just fine, really."

The little girl scowled at me, and had I been in a better mood, I probably would have chuckled. "Dr. Cullen, you _are _sad. I'm a kid, but I'm not a dummy. You're sad the same way I was sad when I first came to the hospital and was missing my best friend Macy." I struggled to contain my shock at the incredible amount of intuition possessed by my eight year old patient. Her scowl turned into a knowing smile. "Whoever you miss, Dr. Cullen, you should go see them again."

I was saved from responding by the re-entrance of Cassy's parents. I hugged the little girl good-bye, and promised to see her in a few weeks at her next check-up appointment, then smiled as I said one final goodbye to her parents and watched them wheel her out of the cancer ward, hopefully for the last time.

The next few weeks passed slowly, and I chose to spend much of my time alone. I had been a vampire for so long, but this was the first time that I truly felt dead. My heart, though it hadn't beat in centuries, felt like it was being squeezed tightly in someone's fist, and my lungs, though they didn't need oxygen, seemed to burn for lack of it.

I finally began to take notice of my senses again, but the nothingness that I had been experiencing for the past week was replaced by the ghost of Bella. No amount of hunting could remove from my memory the taste and scent of my singer's blood. I still longed for it. Each memory of the scent of Bella's arousal or her full red lips stirred my cock to life as well, and no amount of self-stimulation could satisfy my desire. I considered driving to Denali, as I had been propositioned by Irina enough times in the past to know that she would be willing to help with my problem, but the thought of her did not seem the least bit tempting.

Each member of my family tried to talk to me, to bring me out of my depression. None of them helped, though, because none of them understood. They couldn't.

Jasper came to me one afternoon, during the second week without Bella. He tried to convince me to go to see her again.

"Carlisle," he drawled. "Not everything in this world is black and white, pass or fail. Don't you think there might be a grey area somewhere here?"

"No," was my curt reply.

Jasper ran a hand through his hair and looked at me exasperatedly. "Listen to me. You have a chance here. You think I don't feel what you feel when you look at me and Ali? Or Rose and Emmett? Or Edward and Tanya? You want what we have, I know that you do. And I know without a doubt that you love this girl. Why are you fighting it so hard?"

"Because I'm not certain that I want her more than I want her blood. It's a risk I won't subject her to."

Jasper was extremely frustrated by my response. He swore that the emotional pain that I was in was by far the worst he had experienced in all his years, and begged me to relieve us both of it. I simply sighed in response. If only it was so easy.

I had been raised by an intolerant man, but one who taught me about God. Even after becoming a vampire, I had held tightly onto that belief, sure that, if I continued to live righteously, abstained from breaking His commandments, that there was hope for me if my existence should ever come to an end. And I had done so, for three centuries, denying the desire for human blood to consume that of animals instead, working to save humans instead of hurting them, and always turning to God in my times of need. I had not been a lustful man, or greedy, or a glutton. I was not one to wallow in despair.

And then Bella appeared in my life. And now I was all of these.

Even without her, I was failing her test.

I apologized to Jasper, and promised to spend less time at home, so that at least he would not be forced to endure the suffering with me.

I did, in fact, stay away. As often in possible, really. But leaving my house did not guarantee time alone, as I discovered in the third week without Bella.

I was laying on my back in my clearing, staring up at the stars late one night, wondering what it might take to feel like myself once again, when footsteps and the scent of maple syrup and pears, with a hint of brown sugar and cedar. Edward.

I moved to sit up, but he stopped me. "Don't get up, Carlisle," he said softly as he laid on the ground beside me. "I've wondered for a long time what it is you stare at when you lay here, I thought I'd give it a look myself."

We lay in silence for at least an hour, each of us contemplating the sky above us.

"Carlisle?" Edward called softly. I turned my face in his direction. "We've spent a good part of a century together now. I've heard your thoughts all through that time. Do you know what thoughts have been most prevalent in your mind in all these years?"  
I shook my head, waiting for his answer.

"God, first and foremost. You've never given up hope, never stopped turning to him. I've always been puzzled by this, as you know that I am as yet unconvinced that we, as vampires, are not automatically damned. But you've held on, never giving up your beliefs.

And the second most common thought you've had was of Esme Platt. I remember when you first changed me, when you would think of her when she was your patient at sixteen. You always thought of her wistfully, wishing that you'd see her again. That changed when you found her the second time... Your thoughts, for the first time since I knew you, were filled with regret and guilt. You've blamed yourself for years for not getting there in time to save her, for missing your chance to love her and have her love you."

"I hesitated," I whispered.

Edward smiled softly. "For one so sure of God, this has always amazed me about you. Do you not believe in fate, Carlisle? She died because she wasn't yours."  
I looked away, the thought chipping away at my carefully-built walls.

"Even now, Carlisle," Edward continued. "You are convinced that God tests you with Bella. This God you believe in, has He stopped being the benevolent being that you have always believed in? Your strength and faith have been tested for three hundred years now. Has it ever crossed your mind that she may actually be a reward for your patience and efforts?"

My head whipped back toward him. It was _not_ something I had considered.

"There is another possibility as well," he continued. "You are so sure _she_ is your test. Maybe it is, but with the reward attached, in a way. Maybe, if you can overcome the call of your singer's blood, the most difficult test of all, then her love is your reward. Maybe, Carlisle, maybe you don't have to fight _both._"

"And if I fail the test?"

Edward smiled. "Then I suppose you'd forfeit the reward. And _that, _in itself, would be the punishment, if there must be one. Just think about it, Carlisle. That's all I ask. You've meant too much to me in my years to see you suffer so." He patted my hand. "I've got to get back to Tanya. See you soon?" He smiled at my nod, and then rose and ran away, leaving me deep in thought.

A week later, I had come to no conclusions. I continued to go to work each day, my shoulders heavy, as was my heart. I was still a good doctor, but I knew that my bedside manner was suffering as I struggled to find the ability to smile.

Finally, the day came for Cassy's check up appointment. I looked forward to seeing the little girl, to finding her healthy and sending her family home happy and ready to celebrate as they had planned. At eleven on the dot, I knocked on the door of her room in the outpatient clinic. Seeing her sweet face light up upon seeing me, I managed a genuine smile for the first time since I had kissed Bella.

"Hello, dear," I greeted my patient before turning to welcome her parents. "Let's just get you all checked out, shall we?"  
She nodded excitedly. "Mommy says we can go to Chuck E. Cheese if I'm all better!" I didn't miss the hope in her voice, and said a short silent prayer that I would be giving her the news that they wished to hear.

After a thorough examination, and a look over the results from the tests that had been performed on her blood the day before, Cassy was officially in remission.

After many hugs and thanks, I offered to sit with Cassy while her parents pulled the car up to the door.

As we sat together, waiting on her mother to come retrieve her, I asked her what she was looking forward to most about being healthy again.

Cassy smiled. "I get to play outside with Macy again. That's my friend, the one I told you that I missed so much." Her smile faded then, and she furrowed her brow, studying my face for a moment before she spoke again. "You didn't go see your friend yet, Dr. Cullen."

It wasn't a question.

"How do you know that I didn't?" I asked suspiciously.

"Because even you are smiling at me, your eyes are sad," she said matter-of-factly. "You really should, you know. No one should be sad like that when they don't have to be."

I sat quietly for a moment, the profound words of my eight year old patient making another chip in the wall I had built around my heart.

"I will certainly think about it," I promised. It was the most honest answer I could give.

"The next time I see you, I hope your eyes will smile at me," she said, reaching her tiny arms up to wrap around my neck. "Thank you for taking care of me," she whispered into my shoulder.

I hugged her back gently, not parting from her until I heard her mother's soft footsteps outside the door.

"You go enjoy your celebration now, sweetheart," I said, smiling one last time at Cassy. "And be a good girl for your parents."

I rose from the bed, walking over to shake her mother's hand one last time, and then stood in the doorway, watching as they walked out of the hospital, hoping that the little girl who had touched my life so deeply would live a long, happy life of her own.

Four hours later, I was scrubbing in for surgery when my pager began to buzz. I asked my scrub nurse to check the number.

"It's a 9-1-1 from the E.R.," she replied.

I paused. "I was really hoping to get Mr. Henry's surgery this afternoon. Can you call down to the E.R.? Ask them if anyone else is on call."

I continued to wash my hands while my nurse made the call, but stopped suddenly when I heard her voice drop. I turned to her, concerned. "What is it?" I asked.

"You need to go, Dr. Cullen. It's one of your patients."

Without hesitation, I grabbed a towel on my way out of the scrub room and made my way quickly down to the emergency room. I was met at the entrance to the department by one of the trauma nurses that I knew well, Anne. I recognized the sympathetic look on her face; it was a look I had seen her give to many families of patients that we had been unable to save. I knew immediately that I had been called down here to pronounce one of my patients dead.

It was a part of the job that I hated. In all the years that I had been a doctor, it had never become any easier. I sighed softly, trying to mentally ready myself to walk into the room.

I stepped through the door and nearly fell to the floor. Nothing could have readied me for this.

Laying in the bed, covered in blood, tubes, and wires, and attached to a heart monitor that registered only a flat line, was Cassy.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: All recognizable elements of Twilight are the property of S. Meyer. **

**Thank you to Mommybrook who held my hand while I wrote this chapter and took the time to check it over for me before posting. **

Chapter 7

I had always thought it was the worst part of my job as a doctor to inform a family that their loved one – my patient – had died. Today, though, seemed like the worst one ever.

When I walked out of the trauma room, forty minutes after I entered it, having forced the nurses and residents to assist me in trying every possible method to revive the little girl who had already been dead for several minutes before my arrival, I was utterly defeated. Unable to face the parents who I had sent home only hours before with their child, who had finally been declared healthy, I collapsed against the wall, my head in my hands, wishing I could cry.

There was nothing to say that could comfort me in those moments, nor was there anything that I could say to Cassy's mother, as she sat at her husband's bedside, waiting for him to wake from the surgery that had saved his life.

She sobbed as she told me of the fun afternoon that they had spent at Chuck E. Cheese, celebrating Cassy's victory over cancer, and then of how a drunken driver had run a red light and crashed his truck into the side of the family's car. Looking at the distraught woman, I noticed that she was still bleeding from several of the lacerations on her face, most likely caused by the window glass as it flew through the air. I knew from the nurses in the emergency department that she had refused to be treated until Cassy's father's surgery was completed.

I sat beside her, stitching her wounds myself at her husband's bedside, and the two of us mourned together for the loss of the little girl who had brightened the lives of everyone she had touched.

Cassy's funeral was delayed for a week, so that her father would have enough time to recover from his surgery to be able to attend. It was a somber affair, very few were able to find a way to smile as they passed by the tiny coffin and offered condolences to the bereaved parents. I took a seat in the middle of the room and sighed heavily, still finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that she had beaten cancer only to be killed by someone else's bad choice.

The morning after Cassy's death, I had given notice to Seattle Children's. I knew that every day that I went to work from that day forward, I would be grieving, for both Cassy and Bella. I couldn't take the heartache anymore. The time had come to move on.

I sat silently in my chair during the calling hours, waiting for the service to begin. Moments before the minister took his place at the podium, my thoughts were disrupted by a sudden rush of venom to my throat that had me grabbing at my chair in haste to try to force myself to remain in it.

Bella.

She was here. I silently thanked God that I had hunted the night before. I don't know why I hadn't expected her, as I knew that she had grown close to the little girl just as I had. Her presence here was just one more evidence of the innate goodness of her heart. I sat there, holding tightly to the chair, willing myself to stay put, though all I wanted in the world was to run to Bella.

A few moments later, the service began. I listened carefully as the minister spoke of God's promise to mankind of an eternal life in Paradise, and read to us the verses of the bible, reminding everyone that man had come from, and would return to, dust. I listened as Cassy's mother, her bravery an inspiration to us all, stood in front of the room full of mourners to tell of her love for the child she would never again hold in her arms.

All of it was heart-wrenching. But what touched me the most was when Bella rose and walked slowly to the front of the room, stopping to hug Cassy's mother before she turned to face everyone.

"I met Cassy through a volunteer program," she began. "I sat with her twice a week while she was in the hospital, and read to her from Anne of Green Gables. Those mornings we spent together, I got to know her, got to peek into her mind and learn about myself through her eyes. She was an amazing..."

Bella paused, her shaky voice breaking on the last words as the tears fell from her eyes. She took a moment to collect herself, and then continued, her voice quivering through the rest of her words.

"She was an amazing little girl, and I know that my life is better for having known her. We never got to finish the book, but there's a quote that I want to read from it, that seemed right to me."

Bella opened the book to a page that she had marked, and read aloud. "It's all very well to read about sorrows and imagine yourself living through them heroically, but it's not so nice when you really come to have them, is it?"

Bella looked up, swallowing hard, and I was sure that she could no longer see through her tears. "Cassy faced every hardship heroically, and I wish I had the strength to do that today. But her loss is, like Anne said, really not so nice." Bella closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and turned toward the tiny coffin. "Goodbye, Cassy. Thank you for everything."

Bella stepped down from the stairs and directly into the waiting arms of Cassy's mother, and I watched as they hugged each other tightly. A part of me was jealous in that moment, of both of them. I was jealous that Bella could so easily cry for her loss, and I was jealous that Cassy's mother could so easily hold her in her arms, as I longed to do.

In that moment, it didn't even cross my mind to feel guilty for my envy.

I barely remember making the decision to do so, only the realization that I didn't want to hesitate. I rose from my seat, and walked to the front of the chapel. I stopped in front of Cassy's mother, who was still holding Bella's hand, and asked if I might say a few words. The kind woman was surprised, but agreed with a soft smile. Bella's grieving eyes met mine, and I nodded at her before walking to the microphone.

For a moment, I looked out at the crowd of mourners, but then I focused my attention on the deep chocolatey brown eyes of the woman that I now understood held my heart in her hand.

"I was Cassy's doctor. It's difficult, as a doctor, to treat a child who is facing such a difficult battle. But Cassy made it easy. No matter how sick she felt, no matter how hard the fight seemed, Cassy met me each morning with a smile upon her face. She brought a little bit of happiness to my day in the moments that I spent with her."

I paused for a moment, looking down and sighing deeply. "The last morning that I saw this little girl alive, she taught me a lesson. It's amazing, that, as someone who has lived so many years more than her eight, I could still learn from her. But I did. I learned that no one should stay sad when they don't have to be. She reminded me that, if she could find a reason to smile every day, then I should be doing so too. And she told me that it wasn't really a smile if it didn't reach the eyes. This little girl," I continued, choking up once again. "Saw through the masks that we adults wear every day. She saw the truths that we tried to hide. And still, she smiled. So today, though she is no longer here with us, I am making a promise to her that I will once again find my smile, and I will wear it for her."

I stepped down from the podium, and, as the service ended, was surrounded by several family members who wanted to thank me for all that I had done for the family. In the process of speaking to all of them, I lost sight of Bella.

Upon that realization, I excused myself from the gathering and inhaled deeply, searching for the scent that tortured me so completely. I could smell her, but it was weak. I followed the delicious freesia scent, and it led me outside, where I saw Bella preparing to climb into an ancient-looking truck, and ran toward her.

"Bella! Please, wait!" I cried.

She paused, turning toward me, tears falling freely down her face. "What do you want?" she asked, her voice sounding angry.

"You," I breathed. "More than I've ever wanted anything in my life."

She stared at me, the anguish in her eyes, I knew, was as much caused by my own actions as Cassy's passing.

"What makes this time different?"

"I don't know," I said, taking her hands in mine. "I can't promise you that I won't fail. I can't promise you that you will survive if you come with me, though I will do everything in my power to keep you safe. I..."

She held her hand up, silently asking me to stop. I did.

"We shouldn't talk about this here," she said calmly. "Take me to your clearing."

Fifteen long minutes in the car with her later, we arrived at the edge of the forest, and I parked on the side of the road. "Come," I said, "I'll carry you."

Bella climbed onto my back, and together we ran through the trees until we reached my clearing. The place where I had kissed her. The place where I had said goodbye to her. Would today be different? Would today be our beginning, or would it be her end?

I set her lightly on the ground, and took a step away, trying to clear my mind of the haze that her scent caused. The venom was searing my throat, her blood singing to me, begging me to drink, to claim what had been made just for me. And I couldn't deny that I wanted to.

I was breathing hard, as if the run had winded me. But it was not lack of oxygen that caused my chest to heave, but the struggle. My body was fighting itself, desperately wanting to run in two directions at once – toward her, either to feed or to love; and away from her, to save us both.

She turned to me with her body, not stepping closer. "Why are you here, Carlisle?" she demanded. "Nothing has changed. You're still uncomfortable with me, that's plain to see. Did you bring me here just to hurt me again?"

"Part of me is asking the same question. I am terrified, Bella. Everything about being near you is torture. My throat burns with desire for your blood, Bella, you must know that. You more than any human I have ever been near. My mind fights so hard against the call of your blood every single second that I am near you. It would be so easy to just sink my teeth into your neck, to savor every last drop of your blood and finally quell the desire. Do you understand that? Do you, Bella? Do you see the risk you are taking by simply standing near me?" I was yelling by the end, almost wishing that she would just run away, save me from myself. Because I knew that I no longer could.

"I see it, Carlisle," she replied softly, looking away. I could see that her eyes were filling with tears. "And I understand. What will it take to make you see that I am willing to take that risk? I see your soul, Carlisle, and I think that it is beautiful." She turned back toward me, her eyes showing the same desperation that I felt. "I would risk my life just to have you kiss me again like you did the last time we stood here. Because I know that, even if I were to live forever, I'd never have another kiss like that, not unless it came from you. I'm afraid that my life will never be enough if I don't take this chance."

I laughed softly at the irony. "You are afraid of all of the wrong things, Bella!" I said, running my hand through my hair as my willingness to fight ended. "But I'm afraid of things I shouldn't be too. I am afraid that you _will_ stay with me, and I will not be strong enough to keep from hurting you. And even more than that, I am afraid of not being with you; I am afraid of living every day of the eternity with regret that keeps me from being happy."

Bella's chest heaved with a ragged breath as she looked into my eyes, and I knew, in that moment, that the battle was over. Bella and I would be together, even if it broke us both.

"Tell me it's okay, Bella," I begged.

"It's more than okay, Carlisle," she breathed. "It's always been."

It only took one step before closer before I reached out, taking her face between my hands, holding her still while I crashed my lips to hers. I didn't waste time with softness, instead kissing her with every bit of passion that was held inside of my body, every bit of desire that I had fought so hard to hold back before now. And she met my kiss with equal intensity, her tongue finding its way into my mouth only seconds after the kiss began. I gripped her tightly in response, feeling her knees shaking under her as the intensity of the moment swept over her. It felt desperate, as if we were kissing while the world crashed down around us.

Only moments later, the sky opened above us, the rain falling down heavily. It was so many things at once: a blessing, a curse, an aphrodisiac...

Bella's scent was made even stronger by the rain as it wet her skin. I pulled my lips away from hers, knowing that she needed air, and moved my mouth down, over her jaw to her neck, not kissing or licking, just breathing her in. Her scent was heady, intoxicating... Part of me wanted to bite and devour, there was no denying that, but it was so perfectly sweet that, at least for the moment, I was happy just to enjoy it.

My fingers found the zipper on the back of her dress, and quickly slid it down, pushing the fabric down her arms as my mouth continued its path over her shoulders. My cock was straining against my pants, the taste of her, both her skin and her scent, on my tongue making me harder by the second.

Bella, trusting me completely, tilted her head back, exposing even more of her tender flesh to me, and rested her cheek against my head. Her soft moans spurred me on, and as the scent of her arousal hit me, I knew that I needed to have more from her.

I sank down to my knees, my hands moving slower to trail down over her breasts and waist, pulling the soft cotton of her dress down along the way, letting it fall to the ground after it passed the flare of her hips. When her stomach was exposed to me, I pressed my lips to it, slipping my tongue out to lap her soft skin, droplets of rainwater entering my open mouth as they slid down over her torso and dripped off of my hair. The taste of Bella, however, was so overwhelming, even without direct contact with her blood, that the water did not bother me.

I looked up at her, meeting her heavily-lidded eyes as my mouth moved across her stomach toward her left hip. She was gripping her hair tightly with one hand, her lips parted, her perfect breasts moving with her labored breaths. Her breasts, moving that way, were like beacons to me, and I immediately wondered if her nipples tasted differently than the rest of her skin.

Rising quickly to my feet, I covered her mouth with my own once again, kissing her slowly this time, absorbing everything that was Bella. Her scent, so strong now thanks to the rain and the flush of her skin, was the only thing that I could smell, despite being surrounded by nature. The sweetness of her flavor on my tongue was second only to the taste of her fresh blood, and I savored it. My open palm traced over her shoulder and arm, then down the curves of her side, while the other hand working to unhook and remove her bra. All the while, I listened to each ragged breath she took, each gasp that narrated the path of my hands over her body and the pleasure it gave her.

Pulling my mouth off of hers, I let my lips lead the way down her neck, over her collarbone, finally finding her bare breasts. I wrapped my lips around the first, letting my tongue play with it, flicking it gently back and forth a few times before I finally sucked it gently. That action drew the first moan from Bella's lips, though the sound was nearly covered by the rolling of thunder.

I kept my eyes on her, watching as her head rolled back on her shoulders, her fingertips leaving her hair and tracing the path of the rain down her neck, pausing at her collarbone. I could see those full pink lips, glistening with moisture, as they formed the shape of my name, and it was all I could take.

Knowing it wouldn't hurt me in the least, I threw myself backwards, pulling her on top of me as we fell into the grass. I let her nipple slide from my mouth and found her lips again, kissing her as she worked my tie and shirt open. My hands traveled further down her body, finding her hips, covered in black lace, and holding them firmly while I positioned her just over my cock, letting her know just how much I desired her.

She moaned again, and her back arched just as a flash of lightning lit the sky. Even though my vision was powerful enough to see her clearly even in the darkness of the stormy sky, seeing her body lit up that way... It was the sexiest thing I'd seen in my three hundred years.

I sat up, pressing my mouth against her shoulder and sucking lightly on her skin as I quickly removed my jacket and shirt. I moved my lips toward her ear and whispered against it. "I want you, Bella. I want all of you."

"I know," she moaned. "And I'm yours, Carlisle."

I slipped my hands behind her and flipped her over so that she was laying on her back in the grass with me hovering over her. I groaned as her fingertips traveled over my bare chest, her touch so delicate that it tickled and made me tremble. Her wet hands struggled with the slick button of my pants, more so when I began to distract her with my nose and lips, nuzzling her neck.

She finally got my pants open, and her hands slid into the back of them, pushing them down as they gently roamed over my ass. I circled my hips, helping her to move the fabric past them easier, and was finally free of them seconds later, kicking them hard off of my feet while my tongue traced circles over her jugular.  
She took me by surprise, though, when her warm, wet hand gripped my cock, and I jerked forward, my teeth accidentally scraping the tender flesh of her neck with my teeth, easily breaking it. Fresh, hot, freesia-scented heaven oozed from the wound, and there wasn't even one second between the moment that the scent reached me and when my lips covered it.

Thunder rang out loudly and a deep moan left my chest as sucked gently, her blood coating the inside of my mouth. It was merely a flesh wound, but there was enough blood to enjoy and savor. My mind was completely clouded with lust, and I reached down, gripping the lace that covered the last of her between my fingers and ripped it, the last barrier between us now gone.

"Carlisle," she moaned loudly. I couldn't tell if it was a plea for me to stop or for me to continue. I was millimeters away from the warm wetness inside her, and desperate to get there, but there was enough of my mind left to pause.

"Bella," I panted, pulling my lips off of her neck. "What do you need?"

"You..." she breathed. "I want you, but I want to live. You have to be...careful."

I realized instantly what I had just done – I had never been closer to losing control completely. "I will do everything in my power to keep you safe, Bella," I said, staring into her eyes. "But if you don't want to take the risk, stop me now, I'm begging you. I don't think I can stop myself."

"Don't stop," she whispered.

Those words spoken, I slid into her, lightning striking in the same moment, the passion of the heavens matching that found between us in the grass. She cried out my name, her voice trembling, as I filled her, and it was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard.

I wrapped my hands around her shoulders and moved over her, rocking my hips in a gentle rhythm, my body pressed against hers so that every bit of us was touching. She gripped my hips with her ankles, and each thrust into her was met with a press of her fingernails into my back. Each gasp and moan that punctuated our movements was music, and, for the first time ever, our hearts sang louder than her blood.

She began raising her hips to meet mine, and we kissed as we moved together. I pulled back from the kiss, but left my lips against hers as I whispered the words "I love you" over and over, knowing with everything in me that I meant them, and that, even if this was the only time I was ever in her arms, it was worth the three hundred year wait to get here.

I prayed that she felt the same.

I heard her pulse begin to race, and as the sound of her heart pumping her delicious blood pounded in my ears, a low growl rumbled in my chest, echoed by the roll of thunder above us.

"Close," she breathed. "God, Carlisle, so close."

"As am I," I groaned, increasing the force and speed of my thrusts slightly.

The muscles of my back tightened, and I began to pull up a bit, trying to get myself as far from her blood as possible. Bella didn't cooperate this time, though, and her grip on my shoulders remained tight, raising her with me.

Three thrusts later, lightning flashed across the sky, and, had one been watching, they would have been able to see my teeth sink into Bella's neck as we cried out in the ecstasy of our joining.

**A/N: I need to give a huge thank you to Kikikinz, who accidentally gave me the idea for this lemon while sharing with me her profound thoughts on storms.**

**And finally, a quick PSA for you. Drinking and driving is a serious issue, one that has had a great impact on my own life. My own father was killed this way before I was born, and my childhood best friend when she was eighteen. All of my friends know that I will never get behind the wheel intoxicated, nor would I let any of them. Please, make the same choice for yourselves. There are too many easy solutions, and it's not worth the consequences. **


	8. Epilogue

**A/N: owns all recognizable elements of Twilight. Cassy is mine, though.**

Epilogue

My family had moved from Seattle the morning after Cassy's funeral. It was lucky that I had given my notice to the hospital the day of her death, because too many people had seen me leave the funeral with Bella, and, knowing that, her sudden disappearance would have lead to too many unanswerable questions.

This morning was the first time that I had returned to the city since that day. It had been forty-seven years. Usually, we waited longer to return to any location – we couldn't take the risk of anyone who we had known recognizing us upon our return. But this was different. We were passing nearby, and I had made a side trip. I wasn't planning on being seen; I just needed to come back once again. It was time to say good-bye.

My first stop was the clearing where I had spent so many nights during the years we had lived in this city. It was a bit overgrown now, decades of being left alone had allowed nature to reclaim much of what I had once destroyed to make my place. There were new trees, growing right in the middle of the field, in the spot where Edward and I had once had such deep, thoughtful conversations. Grass, which had once been flattened against the ground under Bella's body as I made love to her, now grew tall, reaching for the stars at which I had once spent entire nights staring. As I looked around the field, I barely recognized it, yet I knew that it was mine.

Satisfied with having spent some time in the clearing that had been one of the most special places in my existence, I decided that it was time to go to my last stop on this visit to Seattle: the cemetery.

Even after all these years, returning to her grave still brought about sadness and feelings of remorse. Her life was probably the one that I had wished to preserve the most of any I human I had ever come across. Her death had come far too soon in her young life, but I had come to accept the fact that it was her fate.

Sighing as I read the words on her headstone, recording her name, and the short years of her life, I remembered her last words to me, a request that she had not lived long enough to see fulfilled.

But then, hearing a rustle of grass from across the field of headstones, I looked up, and saw the beautiful smile on the face of the woman walking toward me. I waited patiently for her to reach me, feeling the same joy swelling my heart as I had felt each time I'd looked at her since the morning she woke in my arms as a vampire.

When she was finally close enough to touch, I pulled Bella into my arms, kissing her softly as we stood in front of the headstone of the little girl who had brought us together. When I pulled away, I smiled, a smile that I was sure showed in my eyes. Feeling every hair of my body standing on end, knew at once that Cassy had finally gotten her wish.

**A/N: That's it, this story has reached it's end. Sharon, I hope that it was everything you hoped that it would be, thank you once again for your patience and the fabulous idea for this story. To everyone who read and reviewed, thank you so much for trusting me, for taking this journey with me, and for supporting me along the way. To BamaBabe and mommybrook, who looked over the chapters before posting, and held my hand while I tearfully killed Cassy, thank you. You two mean the world to me. **


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